I wouldn't miss it for the world.

"People with the brightest smile are the saddest."

Instantly I thought of Robin Williams who has committed suicide at his home at the age of 63,
He had hanged himself with a belt and died from asphyxiation.
He probably tried his best to be happy for the sake of others and at the same time suffered from depression.

...

Honestly speaking, when we lose our faith of what we believed, we might feel that way.
Our heart is dead as our soul.

A sheikh once said,

"When you are afraid of people, you'll run away from them. 

When you are afraid of Allah, you'll run to Allah."

No matter what religion that you believe in, I bet you'll do the same thing.
For some reason, I get this anxious easily.

...

I told my friend that I was depressed.
She replied,

"Well, the truth is that the world is depressing."

...

Who would have thought of a person who has the brightest smile is the saddest among all?
I bet you didn't even noticed at first too.

...

It's 1st October and the blood pressure was running low.
Never have I been this despair in my entire life.
Did you ever try to fix everything but you ended up ruin everything?
And do you want to know what is sadder than sad?
Trying to fix everything even though you don't even know where and what to fix from the very beginning.

...

I never dare myself to overlook the faults that I've made.
But, coming from other's fault and I was found guilty as charged...
that made me feel confounded.

...

I admit, sometimes I felt like giving up.
But to have few friends in life that couldn't stop giving hope on me, I felt grateful.
I wouldn't miss it for the world.

...

This came out from nowhere but, I hope everything will be fine.
I'm willing to wait until the end of October for a better day.
Insyaa Allah. Barakallahu fik.

"Those who stayed will forever stay with you." 

what if

I didn't know what happened.
It was dusk.
I sat on my bed.
I was gasping for air and teardrops running down my face.
I stared to nowhere inside my room.
My mind started to think about Ahmad.

...

I felt like "What have I done with my life?".
I bet he will be dissapointed of  having a sister like me.
I did a lot of mistakes and God knew how many sins that I made.

...
Slowly, I started to smile again.
Wondering "What if he is still here with us?"

...

He was born in the year of 2007.
He's 8 years old by now and went to a primary school.
He might be clingy with my brother and I.
Chubby and fair skin.
A happy-go-lucky just like his sister.
We'll be drawing and painting together in the living room.
I'll be teaching him the basic subjects and let him has the interest to learn in a fun way.

...

But life is not full with sprinkles and pixie dust.
He'll probably might fall down many times on the ground with who knows what will happen in life.
Then, there's us.
Trying our best to catch him as fast as we can.

...

Oh God, I wish I could see his face for the first time.
I didn't know why adults don't let me see him when they were shrouding him.
I knew I was 12, but age didn't measure the strength that I have.

...

*sigh*
Blathering here won't make any differences in the future.

...

I wanted to share you something that was bothering me since years ago.
I had a dream about him.
Even though I couldn't see his face, I knew it was him.
He said to me...

"You should be thankful that you're alive. You got to know Islam in a beautiful way."

I know... It might sound a little bit insane and it's just a dream,
but maybe that voice that I heard in my dream was the voice of my heart.

...

For someone that I never met, I felt closer to him and to Allah.
Just because.

...

Your name will always be in my prayer.
Biiznillah.

إِنَّا لِلّهِ وَإِنَّـا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعونَ  Allahyarham Ahmad Bin Shamsul Hazli.

Kindy Teacher Diary #7

2nd June 2016

Ina: why you come late? I don't have present.
Eva: yesterday (for her is 16th May 2016) is teacher's day. we don't have anything to give.
Me: nawhh

Brief Candle

21.7.2016 - (7.55 p.m.)

3 months ago:

An anonymous bought a red velvet cake for my birthday and I was so surprised that it made me question.

...

3 months later:

A friend of mine told me that they bought the cake. they were willing to collect money & buy it for me.

...

I was touched by it because never have I been so grateful to have friends like them

and I will never know how much they have been grateful to have me in their lives.

Even if I have ever been a friend to them for a split second.

Kindy Teacher Diary #6

I had 3 autism students in school

and I managed to handle 2 of them except for this 1.

I've realized that some teachers just let them do whatever they wanted to do as long as they stopped crying for some petty reasons.

Nonetheless, the teachers always reach their hands out for those students when they needed it.

..

I admit it.

I was struggling for not knowing how to engage with them at first.

I was struggling to identify the signs.

I thought that talking nicely was one of the ways to bring closure;

but, they're just kids.

Big words or long sentences won't make them feel secured in any ways.

...

They amazed me which made me feel like I wanted to know more about them.

So, I observed them for about 2 months and honestly, kids love to cry.

Especially them.

...

I bet you can tell it from here that everyday I've been through the same phase and I didn't even complaint;

because whenever they cried,

I knew that they needed somebody to be there for them.

...

Basically, autism kids needed a lot of attention.

They couldn't stand the crowd,

the noise and a lot instructions that were given by us.

The first thing I did when I saw them cried,

I called them and gave them a hug.

I knew that they needed someone to open up for them.

Just like us - adults.

Except, children are so honest of what their heart speaks,
while we're struggling to find ours.

Kindy Teacher Diary #5

I met this boy.
He's timid and only talked to people that he knew.
Believe me, I tried many things to win his trust.

...

The first thing that caught his attention was I helped him to solve the Binomial Cube and the Trinomial Cube.
This boy was pretty amazing.
He's intelligence was superb and understood things clearly.
Sadly, some people didn't try their best to help him assess on his capabilities to the point that he almost forgotten how to do additions by using place value of tens and hundreds.
Not only that, he has forgotten how to speak in Malay.

...

Almost everyday, I spent my time talking with him.
I tried to understand him better and even tried to know his background.
Not only him, but everyone in the school.

...

All this time I thought my duty was to understand my classmate, but actually I've forgotten that my duty was also to understand others as well.

...

"innamal a'malu binniyat" (sesungguhnya setiap amal itu disertai dengan niat)

...

Hazman: wahidun, one. isnaani, two. sa... em... em... 

Me: EM? 

Hazman: em... 

Me: em em  salasatun, three.

Hazman: salasa...tun... three. 

Kindy Teacher Diary #4

86 students from the age of 3 to 6 years old.

...

Every morning, most of them cried when they reached to school. 

I tried to reach my hands out, but they ignored and pushed me away many times as they wanted.

I didn't give up at all.

I stood there and watched them cry.

When they had enough of it and finally put their guard down, again, I reached my hands out to them and said

"Come here and hug me. It's okay to cry sometimes. I'm here. Everything's going to be okay."

At the end of the day, they ran to me, hugged me and cried as much as they wanted
because they needed someone to reach them out
while they were struggling to put out words into sentences
and to tell us what they wanted all this time.

...

5th August 2016

"Hari terakhir di sekolah. 

Ada yang menangis teruk, tidak mahu balik dan berkeras hati mahu aku ikut balik sekali. 

Ada yang boleh terima hakikat.Ada yang menahan ego. 

Ada yang menangis, bila aku dukung, lantas dia memelukku dan tertidur dalam dakapanku."

...

Honestly, they changed me and I'm grateful of that.

Kindy Teacher Diary #3

5th August 2016, a 5 year old boy just asked a permission from me, "can I fart?".

The environment was noisy and I thought I heard the boy asked "Can I go to pee?" or "Can I fight?".
I was confounded and abstruse when I almost heard the word "fart".

I hesitatingly nodded.
Then he went to somewhere quiet which was the hallway and came back with a smile on his face.

So yeah, he just farted.
Not only that, he just asked a permission to do so.

...

It was... I don't how to explain this feeling anyway.

Kindy Teacher Diary #2

We were having our assembly and a boy named Ayish came to me.

He showed me his nail.

There was something stuck at the tip of his nail.

I held his hand and brought him to the kitchen which no one was there but us.
I told him to look away and we had a conversation about how was his day.
While he was looking away,
I pulled out my pin from my headscarf and tried to remove something at the nail.
Finally, I helped him to remove it.
So yeah, that's just about it.
Anyway, its not important.
Just wanted to share my moment with you.
...
Bottom line, you must always be prepared. Badum tss ~

Kindy Teacher Diary #1

Shafiq 6 y/o: I think you're the most perfect teacher. you know how to draw, dance and make flowers (making crafts) and macam-macam lah.

Me: Aw, thank you.
...
Sometimes, we feel down about our flaws and we intend to forget that we are more than that.
It takes a person to tell you that you are more than that.
Someone who can inspired you for a lifetime.
As for me, my students inspired me a lot.
Barakallahu fik.

Deep Abyss

Everyone kept telling me 

"Jangan bagi muka sangat kat budak-budak."

And I was confused.
It's contradict to what I have learnt in class.
Honestly, I was taught to meet the children's individual needs & interests,
but in school, I was asked to focus on their academics only.
I was worried about myself and kept asking to myself whether I can do it or not.
Nonetheless, I tried to overcome my fear.
I knew I needed some help & point of views.
Consequently, I looked for dearest him.
I was bound by his words.

He said 

"Cuba kalau dia jaga anak dia. Dia nak ke tak bagi muka langsung kat anak dia?"

It made me realized that of what he said is true.

He even said to me, 

"Jangan bandingkan diri kita dengan orang yang buat salah.""Bandingkan diri kita dengan orang yang buat lebih baik daripada kita."

And that's that.
I won't give up on giving hope to others.
Especially, for my students.
Thank you, dearest you.

thank you, love.

I rarely see him & when I do, I never ask for more.

I do not want expensive gifts or go to a fancy restaurant.

I just want to talk, laugh, tease, ponder, exchange thoughts, give & receive advices and more to be discovered.

Thank you.

Deceived.

For the last few days,
I was inarticulate by my dearest friend's behaviour.
It's like deja vu.
I've been there done that, but I didn't expect it will happen again right before my eyes.
The weirdest thing was, I was so picky in choosing friends that I didn't realize that I was deceived again.

Seeing your friend let your pain passed through her very soul and didn't feel anything about it, well... that's inhumane.

...

A few points to ponder.

I don't know why these people exist in our lives,
but I do know that we are tested by The Almighty.
Practicability, it's to see how far we can go with our lives; and to know how loyal are we to our friends and to The Almighty.

It may works in vice versa.

...

Overall, I hope that you'll make the best out of it to be in Jannah with people that you love the most.

Insyaa Allah. Assalamualaikum. Barakallahu fik.

I want...

What do I want?
I just want to change the world by changing littlest things around me.
I want to help children with special needs because most of them are neglected.
Especially, their rights for education.
I want to change Malaysian education system.
Especially, in early childhood education.
it's not just learning abc & 123, but knowing their strength or abilities & improve their 5 development domains.
I want to bring awareness to parents about gifted & special needs children.
They should be supportive of their children's capabilities.

...


I just wish I could do it now, but I couldn't... just yet.

...

Yeah, it's me again.
A 4 feet 5 inches young lady, talking to myself again.
lelz~

...

One thing for sure, teachers should be educated when it comes to teaching their students.
I saw a teacher hit a child with a balloon, agressively.
It "may" not physically abused the child, but may lead to emotional abused.
It's not how you teach, but how you treat. to make the children love you, you have to love them first.
Don't... I mean, never bring your problems to school.
Students are not there for you to use as a punching bag.

midnight.

The sky's awake.
Wondrous constellations have captured my attention.
I'm in love.

setia

Hurting yourself is worse than hurting people around you.
It brings impact to everyone.
The thing about you before and now is unique.

Allah loves you so much that He puts your aib hidden from the people that you love the most,
because Allah knows what is the best for you and that you have repented upon Him.
Allah knows you have changed for the sake of Him.
Even though you always stumble and fall,
but you never give up on repenting.

...

My lips are sealed when it comes to my deepest past.

I had a rough life.
A bad life.
A horrified life as well.

No one knew, but me.

I used to be an optimistic.

Yes, I miss it too.

One thing that people didn't know about me was...
I cried a lot.

When I'm alone, I cried.
When I'm in panic, I cried.
When I hurt someone's feelings, I cried.

Only... I never showed it in front of anyone.

Yes, this is my confession.

Please, do not ask me of why did I cry,
because it's not your fault.

I cried because I have comitted sins.
I cried because I'm a worthless human being.

Yes, I cried a lot.
And when I do,
I seek for The Almighty.
Not you.
I'm sorry.

It's not your fault.
It's just me.
Trying my best to be a worthy Muslim.
Biiznillah. Barakallahu fik.

thank you.

3rd December,

12.30 a.m.

&

it was the first time I knew how it felt like to cry happily.

Thank you.