what if

I didn't know what happened.
It was dusk.
I sat on my bed.
I was gasping for air and teardrops running down my face.
I stared to nowhere inside my room.
My mind started to think about Ahmad.

...

I felt like "What have I done with my life?".
I bet he will be dissapointed of  having a sister like me.
I did a lot of mistakes and God knew how many sins that I made.

...
Slowly, I started to smile again.
Wondering "What if he is still here with us?"

...

He was born in the year of 2007.
He's 8 years old by now and went to a primary school.
He might be clingy with my brother and I.
Chubby and fair skin.
A happy-go-lucky just like his sister.
We'll be drawing and painting together in the living room.
I'll be teaching him the basic subjects and let him has the interest to learn in a fun way.

...

But life is not full with sprinkles and pixie dust.
He'll probably might fall down many times on the ground with who knows what will happen in life.
Then, there's us.
Trying our best to catch him as fast as we can.

...

Oh God, I wish I could see his face for the first time.
I didn't know why adults don't let me see him when they were shrouding him.
I knew I was 12, but age didn't measure the strength that I have.

...

*sigh*
Blathering here won't make any differences in the future.

...

I wanted to share you something that was bothering me since years ago.
I had a dream about him.
Even though I couldn't see his face, I knew it was him.
He said to me...

"You should be thankful that you're alive. You got to know Islam in a beautiful way."

I know... It might sound a little bit insane and it's just a dream,
but maybe that voice that I heard in my dream was the voice of my heart.

...

For someone that I never met, I felt closer to him and to Allah.
Just because.

...

Your name will always be in my prayer.
Biiznillah.

إِنَّا لِلّهِ وَإِنَّـا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعونَ  Allahyarham Ahmad Bin Shamsul Hazli.