I wouldn't miss it for the world.

"People with the brightest smile are the saddest."

Instantly I thought of Robin Williams who has committed suicide at his home at the age of 63,
He had hanged himself with a belt and died from asphyxiation.
He probably tried his best to be happy for the sake of others and at the same time suffered from depression.

...

Honestly speaking, when we lose our faith of what we believed, we might feel that way.
Our heart is dead as our soul.

A sheikh once said,

"When you are afraid of people, you'll run away from them. 

When you are afraid of Allah, you'll run to Allah."

No matter what religion that you believe in, I bet you'll do the same thing.
For some reason, I get this anxious easily.

...

I told my friend that I was depressed.
She replied,

"Well, the truth is that the world is depressing."

...

Who would have thought of a person who has the brightest smile is the saddest among all?
I bet you didn't even noticed at first too.

...

It's 1st October and the blood pressure was running low.
Never have I been this despair in my entire life.
Did you ever try to fix everything but you ended up ruin everything?
And do you want to know what is sadder than sad?
Trying to fix everything even though you don't even know where and what to fix from the very beginning.

...

I never dare myself to overlook the faults that I've made.
But, coming from other's fault and I was found guilty as charged...
that made me feel confounded.

...

I admit, sometimes I felt like giving up.
But to have few friends in life that couldn't stop giving hope on me, I felt grateful.
I wouldn't miss it for the world.

...

This came out from nowhere but, I hope everything will be fine.
I'm willing to wait until the end of October for a better day.
Insyaa Allah. Barakallahu fik.

"Those who stayed will forever stay with you." 

what if

I didn't know what happened.
It was dusk.
I sat on my bed.
I was gasping for air and teardrops running down my face.
I stared to nowhere inside my room.
My mind started to think about Ahmad.

...

I felt like "What have I done with my life?".
I bet he will be dissapointed of  having a sister like me.
I did a lot of mistakes and God knew how many sins that I made.

...
Slowly, I started to smile again.
Wondering "What if he is still here with us?"

...

He was born in the year of 2007.
He's 8 years old by now and went to a primary school.
He might be clingy with my brother and I.
Chubby and fair skin.
A happy-go-lucky just like his sister.
We'll be drawing and painting together in the living room.
I'll be teaching him the basic subjects and let him has the interest to learn in a fun way.

...

But life is not full with sprinkles and pixie dust.
He'll probably might fall down many times on the ground with who knows what will happen in life.
Then, there's us.
Trying our best to catch him as fast as we can.

...

Oh God, I wish I could see his face for the first time.
I didn't know why adults don't let me see him when they were shrouding him.
I knew I was 12, but age didn't measure the strength that I have.

...

*sigh*
Blathering here won't make any differences in the future.

...

I wanted to share you something that was bothering me since years ago.
I had a dream about him.
Even though I couldn't see his face, I knew it was him.
He said to me...

"You should be thankful that you're alive. You got to know Islam in a beautiful way."

I know... It might sound a little bit insane and it's just a dream,
but maybe that voice that I heard in my dream was the voice of my heart.

...

For someone that I never met, I felt closer to him and to Allah.
Just because.

...

Your name will always be in my prayer.
Biiznillah.

إِنَّا لِلّهِ وَإِنَّـا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعونَ  Allahyarham Ahmad Bin Shamsul Hazli.

Kindy Teacher Diary #7

2nd June 2016

Ina: why you come late? I don't have present.
Eva: yesterday (for her is 16th May 2016) is teacher's day. we don't have anything to give.
Me: nawhh