to be loved deeply.

They said, if you love somebody, set them free.
They said, sometimes things didn't work out because there will be someone better for us.
They said, we're not meant to be together or maybe we were meant to be together in the future.
They said, he's just not that into you.
They just simply said it.

They never told me that it's so beautiful to get to know someone; up-close.
In spite of that, it's aching to know that you will be forsaken one day.
And that day, is the day that you will never forget.

For the first three days, I cried like hell.
I was lost for words.
I finally knew, he lost his muse for me.
All this time, I was living in denial.
I kept telling to myself that he didn't have time for me because he was busy with his work.
But the truth is, he just didn't have time for me because he just didn't want to make time for me.

Weeks have passed by and I stopped crying.
Instead, I stared to nowhere and kept thinking of what he said was true.
I overlooked my faults and it was my faults to begin with.
I was feeding my mind with sadness and loneliness.
That took me by surprised.

I almost lost hope.

Then, there's them.
My friends pulled me out from the pit.

I cut my hair.
I ran 4 miles.
I started gardening.
I wanted to learn how to breathe again.

And I finally did.

What makes me different from others?
I intend to overlook my faults because I try my best to make good memories with him.
I couldn't find his flaws because I've seen the littlest good things about him.

But to hear from someone that I trust for a longest time and wanting me to admit that I did tons of mistakes in his entire life was a heartbreaking.
At the same time, I reflect upon it.

No. I couldn't hate him.
We had a life together.
To be loved wholeheartedly was an unforgettable fortunate event.

Though we may parted ways, but we'll meet again in the future.
Who knows and only God knows it all.
Insyaa Allah.
Even if he didn't want to see me as someone he used to care, well...
at least, hopefully he will see me as someone who is reliable.

red.

My skin.
It was transparent and clear.
They saw everything in this anatomy.
These red and blue veins.
Blood gushing out.

They heard it.
I couldn't hear a thing.
They heard something extraordinary.
In this chest; it was beating for something.
Or it was beating for someone?

The hollowed place that once was empty,
It was filled with sugar and spice,
and everything was just nice.
I held it dearly,
because it meant a lot to me.

For some reasons,
I slipped and fell.
No one was there to catch me.
They just stood there.
Wondering of what have happened.

God helps those who help themselves.

It's been awhile I didn't update anything in this blog.
Just a few heads up before we began a new entry for this year:

- I worked at Starbucks for almost 5 months.

- Resigned on the 5th February 2017.

- Reason for leaving : I'm continuing my study in Bachelor of Education (Hons) Major in Early Childhood Education. Minor in Special Education Needs.

- Studying at SEGi University again due to financial crisis and vital time.

- And... I'm becoming an early intervention specialist. Biiznillah.

...

I was nervous.
In a few months, I'll be teaching children again in school.
Not only that I was nervous, but excited as well.

You couldn't imagine what I was thinking right now.
I had a lot of goals in mind.
For a failure like me, I never knew how to give up.

Odd.

...

The first day I stepped into my classroom, I've met new faces again.
A few of them in that class were my juniors and classmates during my time in studying Diploma in Early Childhood Education.

I had no troubles in making new friends.
Simply to say, I gave a warm smile to everyone that I've met for the first time.

Cut to the chase, the first day of class, Dr. Gurnam Kaur who taught us for 'Introduction to Curriculum and Pedagogy' gave some pep talk before we began our new semester as teachers in training.

The most memorable words were

"God helps those who help themselves."

which was said by her nun when she was studying at convent primary school.

After the pep talk, she wanted us to introduce ourselves.
The toughest question that she asked was,

"What is your aspiration?"

What touched my heart was everyone knew what they were aspired to be after finishing their Degree soon.
I was so motivated by everyone in this class.

...

I didn't talk much like I used too.
I felt like I'm the only Malay girl in class (even though there's another girl who's Malay and we're not even clique).
I tried to blend in with my Chinese friends,
but they often spoke in Mandarin. (it's fun to pick up some words and phrases from them tho)

Still, I was struggling to share my feelings with someone who could understand me better like I used to.

Not that I hate my Chinese friends.
I love them.
Indeed.

But I just wanted someone who can speak Malay and have time for me as well.
It's tiring.
I mean, I'm just tired in speaking in English.
I miss speaking in my own native language.

...

Year 2 Semester 1 just ended.
Hopefully, I'll make it through until the end of the year.

lively & loved deeply.

Eczema is one of the worst skin diseases.
I used to be insecure having it when I was young.
My face used to be covered with white spots after my skin got tanned whenever I came back from camping, hiking or marching.

Simply to say, my skin is freaking damn sensitive.

Sometimes, I could see my skin peeled off from my face or the back of my hands and palms.
Sometimes, my face, my arms or my legs got itchy.
I intended to scratch until it bleeded.
Scars would suddenly appear on my skin.

People would asked me, "what happened to your face?" and I had to explain the same answer all over again.

It got worst when I had to explain about my skin condition to people who didn't have the interest to know or hardly understood the medical terms to the point that I had to say, "I fell down." or "It's acne scars."

Even though the scars were way different than the acne scars, I had to lie about it because I was dead tired trying to explain it again.

It got even worst when my mom kept mention about my face even though she knew it's common symptoms due to eczema.
Truly, I love how she tried her best to spend some of her money to buy a cream that would treat my skin better.

It took a year or so to heal the scars and I really held my patient tightly.

I had a rough time handling this situation.
I woke up and stared at the mirror for a long time just to think, when will it gets better?
When will I be beautiful like others?
Would someone fall in love with this kind of appearance?
I was so scared.

...

Years have passed and I overcame my insecurity.
Though, I didn't manage to heal my skin,
at least I managed to heal my feelings.
People who loved me the way I am have made me feel beautiful.

Don't get me wrong.
I'm still trying to treat my skin because I want to.
Not because I have to.

Confidence is a big deal.
I want to be confidence from the outside as much from the inside.

It's good to be surrounded by good people and good vibes.
Not because I'm a teacher but because I'm a human.
Just like you.
And proud of it.

...

It's useless to see little of my imperfections,
when others are struggling the most throughout their imperfections.
Those who lived with disabilities and hardships.
They are the one who need insecurity as much as I need it the most.

Therefore, I'm grateful and wish to help them in the future.
I may not endure the same disabilities or hardships as they are,
but I know how it feels of being insecure.

Insyaa Allah, one day.
They won't feel that way anymore.
Amin.

since 1999.

To see the sun sets from the distance of my house.

To hear the birds chirping in the evening.

To be mesmerized by the constellation of stars and the moon from the bottom of the earth.

To feel overwhelm by the children's laughter.

To always smile when meeting the neighbours. 🌹

...

A few years back then,

there weren't congested roads.

Everyone knew each other in the neighbourhood.

Our place was surrounded by forest.

It was so beautiful and decent to look at it.

...

Imagined that.

I lived here for almost 18 years.

The tree that my parents buried next to my house when I was 4 years old,

grew as big as their heart is.

...

Things changed from time to time.

The economy began to rise.

The trees began to fall.

People started to rob and break into someone's house.

Children began to smoke in the early age.

The park was occupied by adults rather than by children.

...

The neighbourhood.

It looks happy from the outside,

but empty in the inside.

...

No offence.

I still love this neighbourhood,

but I wish it was the way it is.

Just a brief thought.

...

Anyway, live your life to the fullest.

naissss

I spend most of my time alone. 

lachrymose.

...

I don't talk much, but when I do... I talk a lot.

...

I just wish that people could realize that everyone is nice.

...

but because there are choices in life...

then nice doesn't seem nice at all.